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Healing Myself: Because I'm Tired of My Fears Hurting Her

What is real strength for a man?

I've been dealing with fear/anxiety in my relationship, pretty much since my relationship started.

Things have been getting more stable overall, I haven't been letting my brain fuck me as much.

For the first time, pretty much in our entire relationship, we had a solid 2 weeks of no interruption.

Then, yesterday. Yesterday was literally perfect for all of the day, except the end.

We went and walked to a coffeehouse to do some work. Normally I go alone, but she wanted to go with me, and I said it was fine. I love her, and pretty much in general it's fine for her to come with me and I love when she chooses to do so.

She was in a great mood once she finally finished all of her work. On the walk there I was still pushing out my fearful/unuseful & destructive thoughts. I've been doing this for days now, and they kept getting louder and louder, but I've been blocking them out and not allowing them in.

I've tried the whole letting them be and sitting there thing, but that didn't work. It only let them there longer.

There's a saying at the end of one of the passages in "As a Man Thinketh" called "Serenity". It goes like this:

"... Self Control is Strength. Right Thought is Mastery. Calmness is Power."

At this moment, I'm in the stage of strength.

I understand that in some belief systems people say it's "bad to push thoughts away", but then give no alternative. "Thoughts become things", ok, not all the time, so that's false. "Some thoughts become things when you act on them." There we go, that sounds more accurate. But what about emotions? "YOu need to clear out the emotions before you can change your thoughts." Ok, but the thoughts are generating those emotions. They're so strong sometimes,

But recently I've been getting stronger.

It's fucking hard.

And the only thing that really seems to heal me is to bring it up with my woman.

Here's the thing though: Why the fuck should she have to deal with something I KNOW is self-generated. She consistently does a lot of amazing things for me and our relationship, as do I. In fact, if there was a lack of fear this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

My brain won't shutup sometimes and my thoughts are so creative, so painful, so automatic that sometimes I don't know what to do.

I love my woman. She's the most important person to me who isn't myself.

At some point you have to acknowledge that if it was really an issue with your partner, it's something that would be fair and helpful to resolve. And that has happened. Sometimes it's even hard and change does happens. Not every conversation feels easy.

But this shit, this time it was all me. Actually, a lot of times it was all me. If I didn't have fears, most of this shit would be irrelevnt in my life.

Also, expectations.
Expecting one person to heal you everytime, because they're the most important person to you, "the one".

Yes, I am with my baby forever, and she is the same. This shit is hard, and it's something I've been dealing with since even before the relationship, which was also my first real one.

I don't want to keep hurting her and letting these fears ruining my relationship.

I've never cheated on her, and I never will. Same on her side.

What's left?

1. Let go of expectations of her, be present (actively), and accept and appreciate what I have.
2. The same way I generated these fears internally, the same way I can generate healing internally to deal with them. It's my inner world, she shouldn't have to carry the weight of my inner turmoil & shit.
3. Deal with the fears. Not allowing them is one step in the right direction that does drain energy, sure, but it's worth it to not deal with them when it's not appropriate timing. Sure, hiring a therapist or asking a friend to just be present, that's what can help.

I've let go of a lot of things for myself and my relationship. I've never let go of anything that didn't serve both. Some of those included:
1. High level of perversion (of course sex is still amazing and I still ackonwledge there are physically and personality wise attractive people, but in my mind stripping down most attractive woman I see to being naked or something similar, it really pulls away my intention from growing other areas of my life. Without this, I've been able to be more present in my relationship, with my friends, with meeting new people, with my work, etc.)
2. Trying to manually lead someone instead of empowering them to be strong on their own. This one took me a while, and while in some cases it's useful, it's not scalable, nor what I want in the long run.
3. A lot of at home habits like leaving the toilet seat open, more degrees of selfishness I didn't realize I had, etc.

I've grown so much in my relationship, because I've chosen to be the type of man who is strong enough to be in a loving relationship with an amazing woman. My amazing woman. My woman. My queen. My wife. My family. My friends, everything.

There were already periods of hell and I'm tired of experiencing them over and over again without reason.

To my woman:

I love you baby. I'm done hurting you and I'm taking even more responsibility to be the man I've always wanted, and you've helped me grow in this way more than anyone.

To my friends, family, & readers:

Relationships are hard work sometimes. For both sides, be strong and don't give up, no matter what, when you really understand that you've found someone amazing for you.

I really have no idea what trauma or whatever else might be causing such fearful thoughts & anxiety, for all I know it could even be a health thing (there are a lot of really smart people who had their brains scanned and found literal holes in their brain).

I'm going to be doing my own healing, and doing literally anything else than bringing my own shit into my relationship. Those parts are for me to take care of. Of course, if there really is relationship conflict, I will still deal with that. But if it's really only being generated from me, that parts mine.

That's all I got for this one.

I love you all, thank you for reading.